Why I started liking math

Shay just graduated from University (June '05) with a snazzy BA.H in Psychology. Currently she is between degrees - taking a couple of courses in couples/family therapy and working as a research assistant while she waits for acceptance into a grad program. So far she is on her way to becoming a sex therapist or a sex/sexuality researcher, but who knows, things can always change. Her main blog is at http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com/ but it's not hard for clever people to find my "other spot".

Kids remember funny things.

I remember overhearing a conversation that my dad was having with someone else (possibly a client?) over the phone, talking about masturbation. I clearly remember playing with my barbies in my room and listening as he said something like, "if you don't masturbate to figure out what you like, how are you ever going to know what you need from a partner in bed?"

At the time I wasn't really sure what this conversation meant, but I had a vague understanding of what "masturbating" meant (something grown-ups did, that involved playing with their "privates"), so I stored this bit or information away for future reference.

I think that a lot of people are convinced when they are young that masturbation is wrong - which is part of why it can be embarrassing to be caught.

Little kids (even babies) touch themselves all the time, at least until mommy (or daddy) catches them and says "Stop! That's wrong! Don't do THAT!" The message that it is wrong to touch those "naughty bits" is internalized and pushed into the subconscious - ready to spring out and heap guilt upon a young masturbator years later.

I was lucky enough to have parents who taught me that touching "there" was okay, but not acceptable around other people - it was a "private time" thing to do. I think that this is a very important message for parents to deliver to their children – not that pleasure (and sex) and penises and vaginas are bad or dirty or wrong, but that it's not always polite to rub or touch or "scratch" there in public.

So, even before really finding out what masturbation IS, I knew that people shouldn't feel guilty about it... Yet, years later, when I finally discovered masturbation for myself, I still couldn't help but feel a bit guilty.

Maybe because that first orgasm was so unexpected, it just swirled up inside me out of nowhere as I was playing "down there" one night (when I was supposed to be asleep), rubbing my clit against the palm of my hand. Maybe it was because the fantasy I had been having was about sex in a van (I know) with a fictitious older man, it seemed a little venturesome to me at the time. "Was that an orgasm? Is this allowed?" I worried.

Then came the twinge of guilt from wanting to do it more. Sometimes I would feel the urge while doing some math homework, a little tingly urge between my thighs. I tried to squeeze my legs together to hold it in, but that only made things worse.

"Okay, after these ten questions I'll go do it", "okay after these next three", "okay after this one!" - Until I ended up running off to "do it quick" and finishing my homework afterwards instead. "Am I out of control?" I fretted.

I didn't think other girls were like this. They just seemed to care about clothes and school and trying to go on dates with boys. Meanwhile, I was sitting through classes fantasizing (luckily I was a strong student to begin with) – thinking about other things that would be more fun to do with boys (and sometimes girls). I did try to cut back on the fantasies though, especially after the time one of my classmates asked me why I was so flushed in class and if I was feeling okay.

"Oh, very okay," I wanted to tell her, but I didn't and I still wondered why it seemed that I was the only one like this. Let's not even talk about those nights before I learned how to keep my bed from squeaking while I did it. I masturbated in fear of the words shouted from my parents' room: "Are you okay? Are you having trouble sleeping?" I'm sure (or at least I hope) that my mom thought I couldn't sleep and was tossing and turning in bed. Truth be told, I kind of liked the sound of the bed squeaking, but I made sure to only indulge in that when no one else was home.It wasn't too long (as I'm sure you can tell) until I no longer felt guilty about masturbating.

But still, when a group of friends and acquaintances were sitting around talking or rather, giggling, about masturbation, I would deny that I had ever tried it - "What! Me? I wouldn't even know how to do it!"

It wasn't until much later, when I realized that guys actually thought it was sexy and when I found out a lot of girls masturbate too, that I gave up denying my secret pleasure.