O, my first orgasm

A collection of personal essays on first orgasm. New stories every Monday and Thursday.

Monday, March 13, 2006

i'm not... it's not broken

rose is a mid 40's woman who felt her life had been derailed by a diagnosis of cervical cancer. the resulting treatment made her feel as if her sex life was over. thankfully, she reclaimed her sexuality and has been on a path of sexual awakening for the last year plus. her path of discovery can be found at http://www.aliferestarted.blogspot.com.

when i was diagnosed with cervical cancer, my first reaction was the realization that I had cancer. that I could die. after listening to the doctors, treatment options, what might happen, my second reaction was that my sex life was over.

i was in my early 40’s… to contemplate never having sex again was horrible. i loved to have sex… the intimacy, the total abandon i feel, the playfulness, the cumming, getting my lover to cum, finding ways to surprise my lover. I didn’t want to contemplate my life without sex.

looking back, i’m not sure what caused me more emotional pain… the fear of the cancer or the fear of losing my sexuality.

on 3 september 2003, i walked into my gynecologist’s office for a routine exam, including a pap smear. we discussed some issues that had been bothering me. i’d been spotting between periods, sometimes having periods 2 weeks apart, some unexplained discharge. my question was whether i was heading into perimenopause. dr. dabney put me on a low dose birth control pill to see if that would eliminate the symptoms.

two weeks later i had, what turned out to be, my last date for 15 months and my last orgasm for 6 months. the date was with a some time playmate who made me laugh. we also had the greatest conversations, mostly political in nature. and the sex, while all too infrequent, was always hot.

this particular night there was no sex planned. i’d already been called by my gynecologist to schedule my first biopsy. she wanted to check if the abnormal cells from the pap were actually cancerous. judah wanted to get me out, get my mind off the upcoming biopsy.

his choice for the evening was live music at his favorite classic rock joint, “the back fence” down in the village. sounded perfect. the atmosphere of the bar was early terrible, but the music was great. i don’t think there was a song we didn’t know. the drinks were cheap, the conversation great.

we sang along, we talked, held hands and kissed. neither of us mentioned the upcoming biopsy. i was there to forget and judah made sure i did. we left around 1 am, found a cab and headed back to the west side.

outside, under the scaffolding across the street from my building, we stood kissing goodnight. this led to hands wandering… which led to me undoing his pants and sucking his cock… which led to him pushing up my skirt, pushing aside my thong and fucking me, in the shadows of the scaffolding. he came and fingered my clit until i came.

we could’ve gone upstairs and been comfortable.

yeah, but this happened so fast… why spoil the mood. besides it was kind of fun to be sneaky and “bad”…

we laughed as an unmarked squad car pulled down the street. by this time, our clothes were rearranged and we were sitting chatting on the curb.

that was the last truly fun, carefree time i remember for the next several months.

from the end of September through my surgery in december, there were a never-ending series of tests, another biopsy, pre-op appointments and growing fears.

my suggested course of treatment was a radical hysterectomy that included removing my uterus, cervix, the very top of the vagina, the parametrium and lateral lymph nodes. it would affect my sex life in that my vagina would be a little shorter. intercourse may hurt. however, if i had regular intercourse following surgery (after the prescribed waiting period), that would keep the vagina supple, stretched and keep intercourse from hurting.

i turned off the sexual part of me. it was easy in the beginning. my focus was on dealing with the spectre of cancer hanging over me. with all the poking and prodding going on, i felt more like some sort of science experiment than a sexual person. in fact, i’d never felt so un-sexual in my entire life.

the several weeks following surgery were focused on healing from the radical surgery. every thing hurt, part of my left thigh was numb, i couldn’t even open a window. however, i did manage to fly to wisconsin for christmas with my family.

my brother has a shower with a removable showerhead. one morning, i decided to use it to see if i could cum. it was 3 weeks after surgery. i couldn’t put anything in my pussy, but the doc said nothing about orgasms. however, when faced with the showerhead, I couldn’t even try. i was terrified that they’d taken my ability to orgasm along with my uterus. standing in the shower, I cried until there were no more tears.

that’s it for me, i thought. my sex life was in the past. talk about depressed!

one day in late February, after my third visit with my oncologist to check my healing progress i was roaming around the internet. ending up in an adult toyshop site, i started perusing the vibrators. after much comparison-shopping, i bought a rabbit.

my thought was that it would kill two birds: i could experiment with penetration and stimulate my clit at the same time. I knew my body well and having my clit stimulated was the only way i could cum (so i thought at the time), i also wanted to work on keeping my vagina supple and able to handle a cock (just in case…). maybe, just maybe i could find my sexuality again… at least by myself.

three days later, my little package arrived. excited and terrified i raced up to my apartment, inserted the batteries, removed my clothes and hopped into bed. truth be told, i actually left on my panties… i was nervous. what if this didn’t work?

laying there trying to relax, i turned on the clit vibe part of the rabbit. rubbing it gingerly over my panty-covered clit, i focused on the feelings. that familiar feeling of arousal returned. for me, it starts as a sort of tickly feeling that’s a combination of pain and pleasure that swells to orgasm.

i remember biting my lower lip, praying the feeling wouldn’t disappear. it didn’t. i put down my new toy to remove my panties. i wanted to try more… it was feeling good, so why not take the plunge, so to speak. nobody would know but me if my little experiment failed, and the doc had cleared me for intercourse.

rubbing the head of my toy against my slit, i noticed i was actually wet. a good sign. slowly, agonizingly slowly i began pushing the shaft of my rabbit into my pussy. deeper and deeper i pushed and felt no pain. yippee!!

rabbit cock now imbedded in my pussy, clit stimulator sitting over my clit, i take a deep breath and turn on the vibrator and the swirling cock… no pain! in fact, it felt great! i sigh from pure relief and allow my mind to drift into a well-used fantasy about my favorite actor, liam neeson.

my mind wandered through my fantasy as one hand moved the vibe and one hand played with my nipples, rolling them between my fingers, squeezing them. it all felt good, really good.

soon my body began to tense, that familiar feeling of being on the edge of cumming was there: heat moving through my body, nipples growing harder, my clit aching for more pressure. i was afraid it would disappear. focusing on my breath, trying to relax and just give into the sensations my hips seemed to rock and buck on their own.

and there it was, a body shuddering, pussy tightening orgasm! breathing in short pants, i let myself surrender to the feelings, laughing and crying at the same time. i was ecstatic… everything still worked! they hadn’t stolen my sexuality (at least for me in private).

resting for a few minutes, i decided to try again. maybe the first time was a fluke. the second try was easier, because the fear of inserting anything in my pussy was gone. pussy full, clit stimulated, i came again. better this time, more intense.

i felt like a teenager just discovering the joys of sex! the relief was overwhelming. i laughed, i cried… then i picked up the phone.

hey blair, guess what?!?

that rabbit was my best boyfriend for an entire year. he died (of overuse) just as I decided to return to dating. he’s since been replaced by other toys and a man (or two). but I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for my post-op, finding my orgasm again rabbit.


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