smut

Primal Goddess ( previously blogger111) is a big beautiful radical feminist who is just discovering the Goddess within and feeling her return to human awareness. She studies the paleolithic/neolithic Goddess cultures and lives with her love and their many wonderful beasts. You can read her words at http://www.xanga.com/PrimalGoddess.

My Grandmother never had an orgasm. That is the way it is told in my family. On her wedding night, she did not believe it was okay to have intercourse; she did not believe my Grandfather-when he said what was supposed to happen. So, he precedes to buy a book; and show her that penis into the vagina, is completely normal.

She had never seen a penis, except on a baby; maybe. And had no idea about sex or men; and nothing about her own body. This is just my Mother's mother, that is not many generations ago. I found this all quite shocking, even as a kid, hearing this.

I had my first orgasm when I was in the sixth grade. I was alone. I did wonder if God was "ok" with what I was doing, I remember making some kind of deal with him about giving me a sign if it was wrong. I don't remember what God said, but needless to say-I never stopped giving myself orgasms.

I remember getting that "fuzzy feeling" "down there" when I would see soap operas, with people kissing and being romantic. Really, anytime I saw people kissing I got that feeling. Still around the sixth grade, I found the joys of Jackie Collins. She is Joan Collins sister and she writes quality smut! Lucky, Chance, Hollywood Wives, Rock Star; she has many more. They are very explicit in sexual details and situations. Reading one of her books was my first introduction to homosexual sex being described. Gay and Lesbian. I was not unfamiliar with the idea of women together; I had seen my dad's "dirty magazine" collection when I was in the third grade and one featured the Landers' Sisters. To this day, I find it strange that officially we shun incest as a crime against nature and god-yet, the idea of men desiring and it being normal to fulfill the act of being with two sisters, mother and daughter, aunt and niece, etc. is what is really expected.

I really have always read. I read my dad's Hustler, two Penthouses and few Playboys; over and over again. Cover to cover. When we moved, which was many times; I always marked and noticed where they got packed and where they were put in the new house. To this day, I enjoy adult magazines and movies. I don't know if seeing "porn" as a child is why I enjoy it or I am just that way. Either way, I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you have a healthy mind, heart and soul; when it comes to sex/life. I would suppose that as we open more awareness to universal consciousness; we would be stimulated by finer things.

I am still just flying by the seat of my pants with the whole sex thing. I would be called naive, though. I was a virgin till eighteen, did not kiss a boy till late teens. Did not date. Even in my twenties, celibate for the most part. I had only had awkward teen age encounters before I met Randy and only a few times. Sex still makes me feel uncomfortable talking about it, I can intellectualize it all day; understand that our naked bodies and all of our functions-most of all sex, are perfectly normal and right. But, I am just now coming into my own sexuality; as a person-as a woman. I was brought up with words to describe sex like: smut, slut, hussy, filthy, men only want one thing, to want sex as a woman was to be a whore, and pre-marital sex was not only a sin but the sign of a bad woman.

If it is true that my Grandmother lived eighty years, fifty or more with her husband and never had the joy of coming; that is very sad. I looked up in Louise Hay a physical issue I have and she recommends that I have "shame and guilt" about sex. That is true. Just the things I have done and desired so far, would cause the female line of mine to lose their minds. And, by society standards I would be considered quite mild in experience of sex. I want to write about all of this so that I do not have those feelings about sexuality; mine or anyone else's.

I envy those who freely express their selves sexually. I believe this is the natural state of human sexuality. Because of our confusion of sex, being taught that it is wrong, so much of it is wrong- that we feel-we have created a "dark" use for sex that also keeps us apart. My understanding of sex on a spiritual level is, it's expression was meant and is meant to be our highest act of love. It should never been seen as dirty or wrong.

I have these lessons to unlearn, there is a part of me that wishes to be expressed and it is the Goddess. I have called her into my life and it is powerful and scary in the most exciting way. Kind of like sex. I think the Goddess is sex. Can I say that? I find it holds true as long as you don't pick it apart. A man is sex too, just not like a woman.